Send Help (The Universe is Screwed)
by kAm1SaMa
Summary: In which an alarmingly eccentric (and irresponsible) girl is reborn into the Narutoverse, and chaos ensues.
1. In which the fries are cold

I fell onto the Naruto OC bandwagon, save me-

Gah, so I figured I'd try my hand at an OC fic (said so casually, as if this hadn't been in my head for a coupla days). Anyhow, hope you enjoy! Feel free to drop a review if you're so inclined. ;)

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, all the females would be BAMF and I would not be as broke as I am now. Alas, alas...

* * *

It was a wrong place, wrong time sort of thing, with exactly the right amount of ridiculousness that she should expect from her life. After all, who would have ever expected to die in a McDonalds, in the middle of ordering a small chocolate milkshake with fries? She hadn't even gotten to _eat_ those heaven-sent fried potatoes before the masked man barged in, gun pointed and eyes bulging as he demanded all money be put into the backpack he had on him (it was neon green. _Neon green_. How in the hell-).

She didn't try to be a hero or anything. She didn't leap at the man in an attempt to wrestle away the gun, dying in a valiant effort to save the restaurant. Actually, she died because as she was pulling the five dollar bill and three pennies in her wallet, she decided to (quite calmly, she had thought) inform him that "Dude, there is literally a bank across the street, do ya have the munchies or something?" And then she snickered.

He didn't take it very well, and she had a pistol pointed between her eyes before she knew no more.

* * *

Being born was not a pleasant experience, and she didn't recommend trying it. Especially if you could, you know, _remember_ it.

Long (traumatizing) story short, there's a whole lot of squeezing, a whole lot of _get this wet stuff off of me what is this please no_ and a whole lot of confusion. Scream and tear inducing confusion, because everything gets cold and bright real fast and it does not help that you can't see more than three inches in front of you. And even that's blurry. Luckily, since infants generally do wail when born, her panic is accepted as normal if not unusually frantic (" _an energetic child, dear, completely healthy_ "). What she did know, though, is that half of her fear stems from the fact that she very clearly remembered dying. Her name had been...something that started with a B, probably, and she had been fifteen, and _her fries were probably cold by now_.

Her priorities were very straight, promise.

After she had finally settled down enough to realize that she had been placed in someone's (her mother's) arms, she decides that this was all some horribly detailed (and sick, she needed therapy) dream. She was going to snap back to the real world any moment now, and then she was going to call a freaking doctor about that therapy, and then she was going to walk into the kitchen and eat a nectarine. Yes.

Then the woman holding her whispered "Tomiko, my darling Uchiha Tomiko," and she promptly started wailing again.


	2. In which Tomiko is almost worried

There isn't overwhelming excitement in this chapter simply because babies can't really get up to much. Sad, I know. Once Tomiko gains the ability to walk and run, though...chaos. Chaos, I can promise thee. [insert maniacal laughter here]

Ahem. Enjoy the chapter!

* * *

It was, decidedly, not a dream.

For one thing, no amount of pinching, prodding, or clumsy baby slaps at her own skin brought her back to the reality she was familiar with. Another thing was that everything was so very, _very_ real - from the warmth of her mother's arms to the deep baritone of (who she assumed to be) her father's voice, everything was too detailed and too _confusing_ to be anything but reality.

This she could deal with. Having a second chance at life was something she hadn't ever considered in her previous life, and she knew that if her introduction to it hadn't been the terrifying experience of being born, she would be in complete awe about everything. Because, come on, reincarnation was _cool_. Until you got reborn as a snail, but still. Cool. What she _couldn't_ deal with, though, was that either her parents were obsessed with Naruto to the point that they needed an intervention, or that she had actually been reborn into the Narutoverse. Honestly, though, she was banking on the latter. Which, just- how does one even process this.

First of all, she could make out blurry little red and white fans everywhere. _Everywhere_. For heaven's sake, it was on her diapers. Was there an Uchiha exclusive baby shop somewhere, with Uchiha exclusive diapers? _Why_ is that necessary. Not to mention that she could make out dark hair and dark eyes on both her parents. What really sold her, though, was when her father had picked her up and held her to his chest - a chest that had been covered with a signature green vest.

 _Hhhhhhhhhhhh_.

By this point, most would have been contemplating ways to escape the impending disaster. After all, being born to the Uchiha was practically a death sentence, what with Itachi going all stabby on the clan. She probably should have been scared, panicked, even angry that the universe had decided to drop her in this clan. Why not the Nara, where she could embrace her lazy ways, or the Akimichi, where she could express her intense love of food without it being weird? Alas, Tomiko was not most people, and her thought process was a little...unique. _The moment I learn how to walk, I will find an Akimichi. I will become their best friend. I will meet their parents, and their parents will be so taken by my charm that they have no choice but to gift me with free meals! I will live deliciously!_ Then: _What If I Meet A Main Character. What If I Meet A Main Character And They Are So Taken By My Charms That They Decide To Drastically Alter The Plot Without Knowing, For My Sake._ The capital letters of her thoughts dropped like stones, and her mother peered at the expression of utter seriousness on her infant's face with something close to wariness. _That would mean...that in a way...I destroyed the canon Narutoverse with my charm. I must be...a god._

Sighing, her mother wipes away the drool on her chin, and Tomiko proceeds to babble incoherently as if she hadn't been contemplating accidental universe destroying.

* * *

Tomiko felt as if there should be a limit to how many times her mind could be blown. For example, maybe only three life changing revelations a year. Instead of three within a _week_.

The first had been, of course, realizing that she was in a place thought only to exist on television and in a book. The second had been realizing that she was, in fact, an Uchiha (world, why you do this). The third came as a package, when her parents walked into the nursery with a little boy following eagerly after, leading him up to her crib and carefully checking to see if she was awake.

"This is your little sister, Itachi. Her name is Tomiko."

If she hadn't been busy having a freaking mind-seizure, maybe she would have noticed the soft look of awe on her (apparent) older brother's face. However, she _was_ having a mind seizure, and she squints very hard at her mother. Who had to be...Mikoto. Which meant her father was Fugaku, unless everything canon was automatically screwed just because she was here. Which meant that SHE HAD TAKEN THE PLACE OF DUCKBUTT HAI- SASUKE AND THAT MEANT THAT SHE WOULD HAVE TO DEAL WITH POWER HICKEYS AND SLIPPER SNEKS AND- wait.

As arms descend from above to lift her and place her carefully into Itachi's arms, she has a chance to take a closer look at him. He was...young. Younger than expected. She knew that Itachi had to be around five years older than Sasuke (she thought, at least), but this child who was holding her so gently couldn't be more than four. So she was...a year before Sasuke? Something like that, but obviously there hadn't been a middle child in the series, but maybe this meant that the plot could be saved. But wait, what if her parents didn't want another chil- why was she doing this, thinking too much was ew. This entire situation was ew. Sleeping was much easier. Sleeping sounded like a good idea right about now, so she would just...shut her eyes for a bit...yeah (the fact that she lay in in the arms of her family's future murderer didn't really bother her - he was warm).

* * *

A/N: For a second there, it almost looked like Tomiko was worried about the plot! _ Then she reverted back to her usual, too-lazy-to-do-life self and any responsibility she might have had faded away. Maybe someday, Tomiko. Maybe someday.

Review, if you're so inclined! ;)


	3. In which they are a family

HEY LOOK, ANOTHER CHAPTER. SUCH AMAZE, MUCH WOW. Enjoy~!

* * *

Mikoto Uchiha could not, for the life of her, decide if her daughter was exceedingly smart, or...well, slow. For instance, she had trouble responding to and recognizing Tomiko as her own name, and it always took a few tries to get her to respond to it - almost as if it didn't connect that the name was _hers_. But then the young girl would do a complete 180 and solve the small puzzles disguised as games without any hint of a struggle. It was perplexing, to say the least, and Mikoto found herself more and more confused as to what to do. With Itachi, it had been clear cut - he had been ( _was still_ ) a genius, and raising him had been and was almost unfairly easy with how quickly he picked things up. Fugaku had been the one to begin his education, but he frequently told her of how their son was to grow into an outstanding shinobi, picking up certain aspects of training and subtlety that even Fugaku (of the ever-high standards) did not expect. With Tomiko though...well. When introduced to games meant to give her a boost for the future - such as clapping games that tested her memory and hand speed - she would grasp it after the first few tries, follow along as Mikoto began to pick up the speed, and then - without fail, every single time - would mess up. Her little face would scrunch up ( _almost as if in thought_ , Mikoto would think warily) and then she would forget, no, _refuse_ to remember the following hand signs for the clapping game until Mikoto eventually gave up.

 _It's almost as if_ , Mikoto would think to herself sometimes, _it's almost as if she understands what we're conditioning her for, and is trying to avoid success_. Then she'd think about it some more, though, and laugh gently to herself, because _she's only one, and even if she does take after Itachi no one year old has that level of intelligence. Don't be silly, Mikoto._

What the mother didn't know, of course, was that Tomiko was most definitely messing up on purpose, to avoid success. Not because she was afraid of what she might be pushed into, but rather because being a 'genius' meant doing more work, and even being shoved into a world of freaky sneaky ninja assassins wasn't going to stop her from being as lazy as possible. Nope.

* * *

Itachi Uchiha, four year old genius and rising prodigy, heir to the _greatness_ that was the Uchiha clan, loved his sister with a fierceness that could match the sun.

Itachi had, since the day of his birth, lived a life of expectations. He was expected to excel in whatever activity he attempted, he was expected to outdo his peers and age group in without fail, he was expected to be mature and composed. He was expected to uphold the Uchiha clan name, because he was son of the head, and anything less than perfection was unacceptable.

Sometimes, just sometimes, he wishes he had been born to someone, anyone else. That he didn't have to double check his every move, asking himself if it's what an Uchiha would have done. Sometimes (all the time) he wants to be able to ask, is this what _Itachi_ , four year old boy with a love of dango, would have done. No clan or father to breath down his neck, watching his every move like hawks. This is only sometimes, though, because even if they're a bit overbearing at times, they're his family and he loves them terribly.

Which brings him back to Tomiko.

His little sister is everything he wishes he could have been. Bubbly, playful and endlessly mischievous, getting herself into the oddest of situations even at the age of one. She was strange, and weird, and drooled over everything (she tried to suck his cheek into her mouth _every time_ he picked her up), but she was Tomiko, and that would always be enough for him. He worried, though, about what her future held. There was no doubt that she would train to become a shinobi - Fugaku wouldn't allow anything but. Even so, Itachi just didn't want the expectations that were forced upon him to be shoved upon her. He wanted her to always, always smile like nothing bad in the world could touch her, and he wanted her to laugh and play like other, normal children did without having to worry if her kunai were sharp enough or if the power in her kicks were enough to shatter bone. He wanted her to be happy, always, and Itachi didn't care if that made him naive.

Because Itachi Uchiha, four year old genius and rising prodigy, heir to the _greatness_ that was the Uchiha clan, loved his sister with a fierceness that could match the sun. And he would scorch everything that threatened her to ash.

* * *

Once thinking upon it objectively, Fugaku Uchiha noted that raising children was similar to leading a clan. He loved both, wanted both to thrive and flourish in every way, and most of all understood that power was needed for this to be attained. In a way, it was out of love that he insisted on pushing his children - first Itachi, soon Tomiko - so hard. Of course, there was also the matter of them representing not only the Uchiha, but the head family...but he digresses. His children would grow to be strong, because that was expected, that was required, and (a small voice whispers in his mind) that was what would keep them safe.

It had been mildly surprising how intelligent Itachi was, and Fugaku held no shame in admitting that it had set the bar high for his daughter. And though at times she seemed to display the same intelligence that Itachi had, at other times she would act slow, almost lazy just when he thought that perhaps she were a prodigy as well. She would babble incoherently when expected to start speaking, and despite knowing how to crawl would either roll from place to place or wail until picked up. It was...disconcerting. Frustrating, even. But - even now, as he looks down at the squirming child in his arms - he saw past the almost dopey smile, the bit of drool on her chin, the way her eyes were perpetually half-lidded. He _looked_ at his daughter and saw, in her dark gaze, an unmistakable glint of intelligence. And suddenly, he felt as though every time he looked at her, she _saw_ him as well.

Lifting her so that she was face to face with him, he intones solemnly, "You will grow up strong, my child, and you will represent the Uchiha clan as is befitting your status." And there it was, she _looked_ at him, eyes bright, and for a moment he thought that perhaps she understood-

He grunts as a small palm smacks him on the forehead, staying there for a moment before lifting and smacking him again. The one year old makes vague cooing noises, leans forward in a valiant attempt to suck his cheek into her mouth, and his lips curve upwards without his permission as he detaches her from his face and cradles her to his chest. Perhaps she could learn of her position in time. Perhaps - and his face is near impassive as he begins to tickle the squealing babe - they could be father and daughter before they became teacher and apprentice.

After all - he smiles again, a tiny quirk of the lips as her laughter rings out like bells - even if he wanted her to grow up strong ( _safe_ ) he supposed that he wanted her to grow up (at least moderately) happy as well.

* * *

So here's the third chapter, guys! I really wanted to emphasize at the end that even though the anime portrays Fugaku as super strict (he still is, you'll see in later chapters) he's also a dad. He loves 'em, even if he shows it through ungodly amounts of training Cx

Anyhow, send a review my way, if you're so inclined! Until the next chapter~.


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